Well I'm well overdue for a waffle on here.  Something suggests this could be a long one... 

I had my first driving lesson in 6 years yesterday....  scary stuff.  But it was surprisingly fine.  I'm now learning (again) in a diesel which seems way easier than a petrol car.  I was disappointed though.  I went with a particular driving school as they use minis.  And we all know I LOVE minis.  I LOVE them.  Have WANTED one ever since, well, since yonks ago.  I figured learning to drive (again) in one is the next best thing to having one.  Right?  But oh no.  My instructor turned up with something that wasn't a mini.  ARG!  I was dismayed.  I almost cancelled.  So a frequent conversation at present goes something like this:

Person:  "Did you drive a mini then?"

Me:        (In huff) "Nope"

Person:  "Well what did you drive?"

Me:        (Still in huff) "A car that wasn't a mini" (sticking bottom lip out in childishly)

Person:  "What type of car was it?"

Me:        "Dunno.... er.... it had wheels".

Person:   "Was it Japanese"

Me:         "Dunno, it didn't speak".

Well I'm sorry but a car is a car.  Except a mini.  Which is just fantastic.  Having said that, I'm still thinking the number two of my favourite cars is the Smart car.  Just because it's small.  And my reversing is terrible.  I need the smallest vehicle in the world.  Whilst my instructor was giving me the "remember the MSM procedure?  Let me remind you just to be sure...." I spotted this kid with the coolest go-kart type thing with a little trailer.  I actually wanted to say "you know what?  forget the driving, I want me one of those!".  But didn't.  Instead we drove around a bit so I could remember what to do.... A particular conversation of note follows:

Instructor:  "Great, just take the next left, that's it..."

Me:            "AHHHHHH there's a car behind me!!!" (major flapping and panic)

Instructor:  "Yeah, you'll find that'll happen quite a lot....."

Having said that, he made me drive home.  As I drove along the seafront (after realising that stopping at lines isn't really my forte) I found myself doing what I normally do on the plane at take off and landing (and all the bits in between when it's anything less than smooth, so generally at all times).  Lots of deep breathing.  Anyone looking in the car would think I was having a baby.  Serious.  I didn't realise I was doing it.  I seem to just do it when I'm terrified.  That and providing a running commentary.  "Oh look, there are traffic lights.... oooo someone walking along the road.... ah the person behind me is getting annoyed.... ooooo there's a group of lads over there, hallo!.... where's that car behind gone?....".  So roll on next week!  HAHA!  I'm itching to get back out and have a wee practice, I want my license like NOW!  This second.  Ah well, practicing is way out of the question.  Some website suggests imagining doing it.  But I can't sit in my flat and pretend I'm driving a car.  Oh ok so I can.  I mean, I do ride around work on my imaginary horse.  I actually did it in the Belfast office the other day without realising.  For some reason people didn't get it.  In the Torquay office no one bats an eyelid. 

I was going to ramble on about eating rabbit the other day and other such interesting things but to be honest I can't be bothered.  I need me a laptop to take away with me!  This weekend-only access is driving me mad. 

Me:              I just had a mini baby bell.  Bet you're jealous.

James:         I am, I really want one now. 

Me:              It was ace.  Didn't make a model from the wax though.

James:         Ah that's crap smelly.  You should get it out the bin and make a hamster.

Me:              It'd be a very small hamster... I would call it King Bob The Destroyer.

LOTS to ramble on about today.  But I've gotta be quick as I've heaps to do.

First things first.  I had the most random dream the other night.  I was in the Pirates of The Caribbean with the delicious Johnny Depp (only it wasn't the film, it was real life) and for some reason someone stuck some brown parcel tape on my left eyebrow.  Erm.  I'm sure they have brown parcel tape on that there old ship...

Ok.  And so following on from that my phone started to play up.  I'm having text message issues.  GRRR.  I've been getting messages up to 24 hours after they were sent to me.  VERY annoying.  But I rang Orange when I was in the airport and chatted to a very nice chappie (who later felt the need to tell me he lived in Plymouth for some reason) and I think he's fixed the problem.  Hoooooorah!  Speaking of Orange, they've changed the voice on their phone lines.  It's no longer Moira thingie (or whoever it was).  AND they're not 24 hours anymore!  An outrage.  I had a wee strop about that at half ten last night in my hotel room. 

Flew home today.  NOT particularly impressed with the plane.  It felt like this really awful old thing.  Blue leather type seats, four engines and I sat above the wheels.  So, of course, when they went up into the plane I shat myself.  "What the f*ck's that????" I exclaimed loudly.  Yes, I know the statistics, yes I know it's safer than getting in this coach tomorrow.  BUT I'm still terrified.  I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this.  I need to look at hypnosis or something.  It's not getting better one bit.  I sat next to a really nice bloke who seemed mildly amused by this ridiculous fear of mine.  He kept mentioning dying and smoke and flames and so forth.  As you can imagine that helped incredibly...!  But, no, I was glad I sat next to him.  I was way calmer than I might have otherwise been.  He wasn't impressed with the fact I had a David Hasselhoff tune on my iPod though (the Pingu Dance!  It's a classic!).  Although, to be fair, I'm not sure I'd be particularly impressed if he had of actually really enjoyed it -obviously I made him listen to it.  As you do.  "Oi, complete stranger sitting next to me, listen to this Hoff song and enjoy it or else!" probably isn't how it's done.  Ah well.

I had a bizarre dream last night.  I was a dancer for Madonna (!) but when it came down to performing I didn't know the routines!  But to get to the stage was a battle as I was locked in a little room and had to crawl out of a tiny window.  Really really strange.

It was better than Friday's dream though where I firstly witnessed a Flybe plane (which happened to be shaped like Concorde) do a loop-de-loop and then crash.  And then I turned round and a car crashed into a barrier and burst into flames!  A bystander dragged the woman out but then when she came round she said her baby was still in the car so I dashed back and got the kid out before the car exploded.  Needless to say I woke up feeling a bit shocked!

Hm.

Well that wasn't as bad as I expected.  I sat next to a random man and we ignored each other completely.  I think, though, that he might have been slightly concerned had he of seen me look for the sick bag and put it right at the front of the pocket on the back of the seat in front!!!  Well I can't help the fact I get terrible motion sickness!  I have a new strategy.  When the plane is taxiing I read a mag and look nonchalant.  Then when we start to go fast to take off I shut my eyes in a "honest I'm just asleep" pose.  If anyone looks closely they'll see me gripping something (anything -within reason) with white knuckles.  Right.  So I don't open my eyes until we've leveled out and the plane has stopped doing random dropping-type things (I tried very hard not to mutter out loud "It's all fabulous, it's all fine, we're not going to die today, it's fine, just bumpy, turbulence is good, see?  Weeeeee isn't that fun now?  Yes it's fun.  This is fine.  Ok.  It's ok.  Oh god, we're going to crash").  So then I bunged in my iPod happy in the knowledge that I can have it as loud as I like because my neighbour won't hear it over the propeller engine thingies.  That was all good.  All fine.  Breathing deeply, so far so good.  Just finally getting calm about the whole event and then some song I'm listening to has the lyrics "we're all going down, crashing to the ground" or something like that.  Great.  Yeah.  THANKS for that.

Oh I'm such a plonker.  I've just realised I've done a load of washing and failed to put any detergent in.  Oh poo <Big sigh>