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7/23/2009 Peculiar PeopleI was reading ‘Take a Break’ (14th May 2009, Issue 19) and came across something slightly peculiar. This lady had written in to say that she had burnt one side of some oven gloves but really liked them and wanted to keep them. So she cut them in half, put a silk rose inside each mitt and, er, stuck them on her garden fence. Erm. WHY??? 7/18/2009 Seagulls and Weeing – a Typical Saturday in TorbayI was in Paignton today, by the pier (which, incidentally, has little bearing on the event), and I had a lovely fresh warm ring donut in my hand. I turned round to exclaim to my companions with shock “they’re charging 20p to use the toilets now?!?!” and then some cheeky sodding seagull pinched the donut from my hand! Fecking thing! The foreign students standing close by learned some new helpful English phrases:
Needless to say, I was quite upset to lose my ridiculously over-priced donut. And do you know why they attack members of the public? Because holiday makers think it’s super brilliant to feed the seagulls. Despite signs asking them not to. I’m not about to rant on about holiday makers because, well, they’re an important part of our local economy blah blah blah. But, please, DON’T FEED THE FRIGGIN SEAGULLS! So, anyway, let’s discuss this 20p toilet charge. I’m flabbergasted. Paignton is full of crinkly visitors – though I suppose maybe some of those will have purchased RADAR keys. Doris: “Oh Beryl I’m busting to spend a penny but I don’t have 20 on me! What’ll I do?”. Beryl: “Cross those legs and go back at the hotel dear.” Doris: “Oooooo.” <At this point Doris would hop if only she didn’t rely on a walking stick>. Beryl: <Secretly sniggering because she secretly has a RADAR key but isn’t telling Doris that since she has been flirting with Daniel, the dashing fellow who is also on their coach trip despite Beryl declaring that she’d seen him first hands off> We’ll have ladies in their crochet cardies desperate to pee all over the place! Or what about the children?: Thomas (5 years old): “Mum I wanna wee” Thomas’ Mum: “I’m not spending 20p on a piddle! Here drop your shorts and do it on the side of the road behind this ‘ere car wheel.” I guess one could protest “why should I have to pay for the piddles and poos of holiday makers through my council tax?” and, in fact, they have a point. BUT we pay for the toilets - can’t they give local residents tokens or something? A yearly pee allowance, for example. When they were talking about charging for using loos on Ryanair aircraft I panicked that the cost of a flight would increase somewhat for me! We’re talking about, what, £1 an event? So for me that’d be at least £2 on the outward journey alone – and that’s only on an hour-long trip! Imagine if it was a three-hour jobbie! I’d need a loan! I reckon I should apply to work for those people who do '”The Loo of the Year” awards thing. I know a thing or two about toilets me! HA! AND ANOTHER THING. Apparently the big-wigs want to stop calling Torbay ‘Torbay’. They want to just call it ‘The English Riviera’. Sure it’s already referred to as that anyway but, well, it’s TORBAY! What an utterly ridiculous suggestion. Although looking at Torquay alone they might as well rename it "’Town With No Shops”.
7/10/2009 Stupid Moment of the WeekStupid moment of the week has to be during take off from Birmingham Airport. Just as the plane was hurtling down the runway I smelt some kind of ‘burnt’ smell and started to frantically look around me to see if anyone else could smell it too, using my “sniff-sniff-what’s-that-smell-can-you-smell-that-smell-can-you-can-you?” face. The climb was very bumpy and I thought “oh no, this time it’s really it isn’t it???”. Then it dawned on me. Someone was eating a packet of BBQ crisps. Ehem.
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