Ok.  Major panic.  There's a bloody spider in my bed.  Well, it's not bloody strictly speaking because I've not squished it.  It has, in fact, turned on cloaking facilities and has turned invisible.  So after screaming and running around (that's me, not the spid) it disappeared under my pillows.  And then vanished.  Um.  So I have decamped to the sitting room (salvaged a couple of pillows and a teddy.  Yes.  A teddy.  Ok.  I admit that I sleep with a teddy.  Well, I like to hug as I drift of to sleep!)  and sought online communication to put things into perspective.  It's ok.  I can handle it.  What did I do last time?  Pretended it was a grasshopper.  Unfortunately this one is large.  So, um, a new approach may be required.  Pretend it's a tortoise?  Yes.  George the tortoise.  Ok.  So I'm slightly delirious with fear here but hey ho.  Um.  Ok.  So the plan is as follows:

 

a) Climb into pile of blankets on the sofa and pretend I'm on a camping trip

b) Watch the rest of Bridget Jones which is on the telly, and, well, how would she handle the spider situation?  Um.  Probably badly.  Ah. 

c) Jump out of bed and peek at bed again, creep round to the bedside lamp (probably hopping at super speed so it doesn't walk on my foot), turn it off and then run back in the dark in a slight panic

d) Declare myself brave and go back to the sofa

e) Get back up, pace around the room and then re-enter my bedroom, pint glass in hand, and turn on the main light and quite possibly shout "Ah ha!  I surprised you!".  Well, making it into a fun adventure might make the situation less terrifying.  Or perhaps not.  And then I'll feel incredibly stupid when it's still playing the invisible game and I've woken the neighbours up

f) Go back to the sofa, having realised this could be amusing to the average bystander and momentarily consider starting a video blog

g) Go to sleep.  Eventually (but probably putting my fingers in my ears so nothing crawls in (had I of been asleep I'd never known about the creepy crawly - ok, stop thinking that way, it is not helping)

h) In the morning deal with the situation (or not)

i) Once home from work dismantle the bedroom - including the bed.  Ok.  That might take two people.  I'll have to bribe someone.  Because if it's living in the bowels of my bed I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT IT!  Here's where I regret getting a divan and wish I had a normal bedstead.  Bugger. 

 

Right.  Need to go and peek again...

 

Nope.  Still invisible.  Emlyn said "it's probably gone by now".  But where???????????????  "Actually I'll just pop to the shops I think".  Or "Perhaps a stroll to the beach" (maybe with a Scottish accent?).  No.  It's hiding.  Somewhere.  Must.  Stop.  Thinking.  About.  This.

 

Time for a cuppa and cottage cheese.  Oooo that reminds me.  I dreampt of this last night!  Honestly.  Freaky.....

 

p.s. I think my neighbours upstairs are, um, canoodling loudly - do you think it would be rude of me to interrupt them to borrow the man for spider-catching duties? 

 

 

 

I completely filled my flat with smoke tonight.  I forgot about my toast and burnt it.  So then I put a roll in the oven (because I'd run out of bread) and forgot that too.  So all in all a successful evening of cooking... I'm clearly not meant to be in the kitchen. 

 

 

 

 

Back to work today after having to take an impromptu day off to recover from red wine consumption on Wednesday.  Now, I went on a date on Wednesday evening with a friend of a friend.  So getting sloshed when the other person isn’t drinking (as they have to drive home to Exeter after) is not necessarily the thing to do when trying to secure the idea in a man’s head that you’re a fabulous young woman with heaps to offer!  It really actually says “I am a lush, wooooooooo!”.  So anyways, it was a really good night (well, I thought so!) and this chap and I bickered constantly.  Which actually is my idea of fun.  I do love pointless banter about pies and pudding boards.  The waitress came over and I declared that it was our first date and quite possibly our last!  It was good fun. 

“What can I get you to drink?” says he. 

“Ooooo surprise me” says me.

And he came back with a glass of milk.  At the time I thought this hilarious.  Perhaps a little too hilarious?  I suspect that I rambled on, as I do, that I needed some hot water and a tea bag in it and I’d be a very happy lady indeed.

Something tells me that I’m not really very good at this dating stuff.  So perhaps I shall now self impose a ban?  It’s all very scary (but good fun after a glass of vino) but then the next day you have the “Did he like me?  Do I like him?” thing going on.  The “Well he is texting me, what does that mean?” question.  And the “Do I want him to text me?” question.  So the good thing about going out with a friend’s friend is that they can do all the leg work and find out what you need to know so you don’t have to!  And I have found out that I am “a nice girl but on a different path”.  Which is utterly true!  But because said bloke didn’t tell me that himself I obviously was blunt and pointed out I now knew this fact and that I had bumped him onto the “Men Friend” list (it’s a long old list, one of them must surely have a fit friend I can borrow no?).  So with this in mind that was our first and last date.  BUT we’re having fish and chips next week in a “friend stylie”.  So that’s nice.  (I did actually offer to burn something for him but think fish and chips is much safer).  I have to say, though, it’s jolly handy when they decide they’re not particularly interested because it means you don’t have to pass any sort of judgement on them yourself.  None of that “well what do you think of me Melanie?” stuff where you then actually have to think “um….” and decide if you think you and said guy might at some point get it on (because, lets be truly honest, apart from all that ‘soul-mate-together-two-become-one’ crap it’s all about getting laid!  No offence S if you’re reading this.  Ehem).  

“You think too much!” people say.  “Yep” I reply.  So it’s with cheery tone that I loudly declare “Next!”.  

(As in ‘next disaster’)

p.s. I am a sensitive soul really, I cried when Len died in Emmerdale yesterday and actually screamed happily when the girl won VIP tickets on the Chris Moyles show this morning (whilst sitting in the bath).  See?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Be impressed.  I dealt with a big scary spider yesterday.    I managed to get him in a glass and chuck (fling) him out of the window.  Notice that I've assumed it was a male spider...  The only thing is that when I gave him his flying lesson I lost a valentines card too.  It's in the gutter and I can't get at it (for those of you that don't know, my kitchen window overlooks a small roof, I didn't just climb up on the roof...).  Mai rather helpfully told me that I should have squished it (the spider, not the card) as it will probabaly come back at night to wish be good night.  Yes, thank's for that Mai.   Oooo I hope that the flying lesson didn't actually teach it how to fly.... ARG!